Longing for a mother

3 months since I lost my mother but every night memories of her hunt me, I don't cry because honestly I find it corny when I cry but if other people cry it's fine with me. Anyway, though I don't cry my heart aches. All those emotions are still stuff inside. I already accepted her lost but it's just the memories, the regrets, and pity that keep on striking me. Memories, well all those memories, may it be the sad, annoying, or happy ones they just randomly pop in my mind, they make me miss her to the extreme. Regrets. ugh the thought of "the things I should have done" hunts me every night. I wasn't been a good daughter to her, and if I only knew that she'll not live long, long enough for us to bond and correct our mistakes I shouldn't have wasted my time, I should have spent it to the fullest with her, I shouldn't have hurt her but instead enjoyed all those moments we spent together. Regrets regrets regrets ugh they are slowly killing me inside. Pity, up to now I still pity her for all those struggles and pain she went through and felt before she left. How I wish she died not feeling those pains and how I also wish I haven't seen her struggled because I'm struggling taking those pictures of her out of my head. I just want to hug her so tight right now, I miss her so much, so much beyond your definition of "miss". But I know she doesn't want to see me like this so I have to be strong to move on, it may be very difficult but I really have to. God doesn't give such challenge if the person is not strong enough to face it, so I believe I can get this through.

Ma, wherever you are right now I know you are happy and I just want to tell you how much I miss you and I love you, Ma! Tight hug >:)<