Twitter-less-teen

When I still have my twitter account, I never ended a day with a smile because what I always see on my timeline were rants, problems, concerns,or basically all negative things. But the worst was reading indirect tweets. Once you have twitter, you are updated to all the issues of the universe and because I'm not enjoying it anymore I decided to deactivate my account. Now I may not be as updated but at least I have peace of mind, I'm not anymore bothered and get involved in some issues. I'm happy being a 'twitter-less-teen'

Longing for a mother

3 months since I lost my mother but every night memories of her hunt me, I don't cry because honestly I find it corny when I cry but if other people cry it's fine with me. Anyway, though I don't cry my heart aches. All those emotions are still stuff inside. I already accepted her lost but it's just the memories, the regrets, and pity that keep on striking me. Memories, well all those memories, may it be the sad, annoying, or happy ones they just randomly pop in my mind, they make me miss her to the extreme. Regrets. ugh the thought of "the things I should have done" hunts me every night. I wasn't been a good daughter to her, and if I only knew that she'll not live long, long enough for us to bond and correct our mistakes I shouldn't have wasted my time, I should have spent it to the fullest with her, I shouldn't have hurt her but instead enjoyed all those moments we spent together. Regrets regrets regrets ugh they are slowly killing me inside. Pity, up to now I still pity her for all those struggles and pain she went through and felt before she left. How I wish she died not feeling those pains and how I also wish I haven't seen her struggled because I'm struggling taking those pictures of her out of my head. I just want to hug her so tight right now, I miss her so much, so much beyond your definition of "miss". But I know she doesn't want to see me like this so I have to be strong to move on, it may be very difficult but I really have to. God doesn't give such challenge if the person is not strong enough to face it, so I believe I can get this through.

Ma, wherever you are right now I know you are happy and I just want to tell you how much I miss you and I love you, Ma! Tight hug >:)<

I need a sign

I have been looking for answers yet I still can't find one. I can't make up my mind on what course I really want to take up. I have been studying the pro's and con's of the two courses that somehow caught my interest, but I still can't decide. Then here comes this app in facebook (see the picture below); it says there that I could excel in the fields of business ownership, managerial, and surgery. At this period of time, to take up the degree program of Tourism Management or the course, MedTech (Medical Technology) as my pre-med is my dilemma. I want to run Businesses, I want to own Hotels, but at the same time I also want to be a surgeon, a general surgeon (Neuro, Cardio, Opta, basically everything that has a need to be operated) I know it's a 'man's work' but that doesn't hinder me though. The two are in different fields, and these two is my dilemma.

The Impediment to enter the college life

I always ponder on what course to take up. My future lies on what decision I will be making.  I cannot  just simply pick a course because I like it, I also have to look at some factors; my abilities, my personality, the pros and cons, and of course where I think I can excel at the same time be happy.

Will I take up Medicine? or Tourism Management? these two courses are really in different fields but these courses is my dilemma.

I wanna be a surgeon, I know these hands of mine can save lives and I wanna use my profession to save other people's lives. On the other hand, I also want to take up tourism management, my dream of having or owning an Airline and Hotels, and to be a pilot can be possible if I'll take up Tourism Management, this is a step for a dream fulfillment. What hinders me to take up medicine is the fact that I am not a studious and nerdy type of person. I have no patience, long years of studying might just kill me (but I hope not) but I really want to take up medicine. 

I still need more time to think and I'm not sure if 5 months is enough.

Mama is a fighter

"A fighter", the title that has been given to her. Right! and she's indeed a survivor, she survived all the struggles that came her way and the challenges that was given to her before she was diagnosed with cancer. She never gave up easily, she chose to fight the battle wherein she has her friends, relatives, and family with her who served as her swords and armors. During the tough time our family went through she was the one who kept us intact, and she was the mediator of all. You may think mama is unlucky but I think it's the opposite, there are so many people who are told how long they have to live and they don't reach it while for mama she was given a 9-year extension for her to live life to the fullest, serve the people, serve her family, guide her children, and to serve God. The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her and to tell you frankly it's the most painful. Now mama reached the limit of her life time, this might be very hard for us to let go of her but we have to. We must have the courage to go on with our lives now that she's gone because I'm sure that is what she wants us to do. Now is the time for me to be independent, responsible and to be matured. But there was a time that I questioned myself, am I in the right age to loose a mother, are my knowledge enough to achieve my goals and to identify right from wrong? Because what I know is that at this age I still need guidance from a mother especially now that I am about to enter the college life. Up to now I'm still pondering on that question. Before mama died we were given two chances to say what we have to say. The first time that she was on a 50-50 condition, we reconciled for the things that have hurt us which made a gap between us, and for all the misunderstandings we had then. The second time, we gave her the assurance. I assured her to finish my studies and to end up to be successful. Then we assured her that we will all be fine, we will go on with our lives and of course to be with each other all the time, to help one other especially in times of downfall, and what she wanted to hear from us; "We will take care of papa, ma. We promise". Then she finally had rested in peace (without me during her last breath).
Ma, thank you so much for the love you have shown us, for taking care of us, for raising us to be the best, for the patience and understanding, thank you for the knowledge and ideas you have shared us, and thank you for not being the person to lean on but the person who made leaning unnecessary.
Sorry if there are times that we hurt you, we misunderstood you, we did not appreciate the care and concern you have shown us, sorry if there are times that I just ignore you especially when you are sharing stories, sorry if I was overpowered by my emotions that made a gap between us,sorry if I have not shown you how much I care for you, how much I appreciate the things you have shown us, and sorry if you haven't seen how much I love you, ma.
Ma, have a peaceful journey. Bring with you our love. I love you so much, Nancy Perez,'til we meet again.

Desiderata (Desired things)

Max Ehrmann:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy

The goddess of dawn

Eos, the goddess of dawn, that’s me!

Every morning I awake and use my rosy fingers to open the gates of heaven. And see the dews? Those are my tears.

I am the daughter of the titans Theia and Hyperion. I have two siblings, Helios, the god of sun, and selene the goddess of moon. I tied a knot with Aeolous, the keeper of the winds, and bore four sons and they became the winds of Cardinal directions.

 In roman mythology I am Aurora.

Aphrodite placed a curse upon me when she discovered that I have an affair with Ares.

I also kidnapped Cephalus, Cylus, Ganymede, and Titonus, and the later was a Trojan prince whom I begged Zeus to grant immortality, but what I forgot to ask was eternal youth. So eventually he shriveled up with old age and so I turned him to grasshopper.

My love for Orion was unrequited.

I am the type of villain who has a complete lack of emotional involvement with their victims, results in symbolic killing or getting rid of lover when he has served his purpose.

The femme fatale remind you to be honest and to look at why you are staying in a relationship, is it the money the house and status or are you emotionally connected to your lover.

If on the other hand you are looking for a new partner ask yourself  how importantly you rank his earning potential and status in your list of desirable qualities.

See you at dawn; it is the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise! So it is I whom you will see first in the morning. Eos,the goddess of dawn.

>Well actually this is just for our monologue. I am not the human equivalent of Eos. Don't get me wrong, I am not a person who has a lot of men. So she is totally not me.

Hunger drives me to insanity

One thing I would like to say right now I am this kid who has food, a lot of food inside her locker. While I was staring at the computer during our computer class, I felt numb. I feel the numbness coming from my feet going up, then my stomach groaned. I was imagining the food I have inside the locker and  imagining that I am running on a cloud nine bringing with me all the food in the world and my stomach moaned even more. Now I can't move because I was weakened by the groaning and moaning of my stomach, my esophagus is drying and I am dying because of hunger, I AM VERY HUNGRY! That's all I want to say.

It was the last

So we had our Leadership Camp yesterday and it was a blast!
We learned a lot from the camp at the same time I enjoyed so much.
On the first night we had games and I am happy that my best friend, cheska, and I are in the same group. After we had the game which taught us the essence of listening and working as a team, we had bonfire. We were asked to gather around the camp fire and sing songs then later on we were asked to write the negative things we want to burn and to erase, then we burned them. They also prepared marshmallows for us to make s'mores but I realized that it's quite unsafe and unhealthy because the smoke from the fire has this certain smell which smells like there's an element of lead or maybe it came from the thing which was the base of the fire (I don't mean the woods) so instead of eating the s'mores we played chubby bunny we asked 10 mallows from Dymphna, it was really funny because the mallows cannot anymore fit in our mouth but we still forced to fit them until I gave up and spitted them but cheska still went on. From the open court we ran to the drinking fountain because all those mallows are already on our hands which we spitted out and all our saliva made the mallows sticky (so disturbing) and unfortunately there was no water coming out from the faucet so we ran again looking for trashcan where we can throw those mallows and while running we were puking and of course we can't stop laughing until we reached the faucet near the information and there we washed and gargled and the water tasted like a rusted water. That moment was really the funniest and memorable.
After we showered, we watched a movie entitled 'Five people you meet in heaven', the book was written by Mitch Albom (my favorite author) After the movie, we went to bed.
The following day we woke up at 5:00 am and had the dawn rosary followed by shibashi.
We spent most of the day in the MDFT we had games, there was a speaker who talked about leadership and how to be a good leader, and we also had a budol fight at the arc but we were not able to finish everything that was placed on the table.
The thought that it was our last leadership training put me into tears. Those hours we spent during the camp are the hours I would like to repeat over and over again.

Pardon me for being a drama queen

Just realized that supposedly we will have our chocolate party today with my mama's highschool friends who will take charge of the celebration. Mama was really looking forward for this party, I know how excited she was. I remembered last week when she said 'ma karaoke pa ko, day aa' but unfortunately she passed away just before this day came. These memories are breaking my heart big time!! I really miss my mama.
I actually don't want to remember the moments we spent together cause reminiscing them are breaking me into tears, but how can I not remember those moments when in every corner of this house have a memory worth remembering.
I don't exactly know when and how to start moving on because I'm so used to be with my mama. (Lord, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change)
Our house won't anymore be the house it was used to be, and this and all of these things I have written break my heart so much! Can't anymore imagine how my life would be now without my mama, who was my everything.

This is me at the moment.

At this moment, things are not easy to accept, being strong is not easy when you know the one who lifts you up is gone, to have a smile on your face is not easy when you know you lost your mother.
I cannot put into words what I exactly feel, but what I want now is to really have her time back. This is all I'm asking for. Few hours since my mother was left at the funerals but I feel like I haven't seen her for ages. I want to hug her, kiss, and talk to her.
I was pulled out from school today hoping that I could still see my mother's last breath but unfortunately and depressingly I wasn't able to say my last goodbye before she passed away.
Losing a mother is like losing a life especially if you have a lot of 'what ifs'/regrets and gone through a lot that includes good memories you made together.
Having a difficult time to start my life again but now without my mama anymore. I love you mama and I will miss you so much. (still haven't poured all my tears out)

What we've been through

for 16 years, you never left my side despite everything. You showed the love that no one can give me, you showed the care when everyone else don't, you guided me to go to the door where I should be, you stood by me when I was about to fall, you were my shield and my armour in the battles that I faced, and you fought for me when I was about to give up. Now these words are in past tense but my LOVE will never be spelled as "loved" because my Love for you is ever lasting. I love you so much and I will miss you, my mama. Rest in Peace.

Sufferday (Saturday)

Not really inspired to write something or blog anything but I don't know maybe I'm just in this unusual mood for blogging. So today is a Saturday which means a boring day. I am prohibited to go out and take a break because I have to watch over my mother together with my aunts and sister. Earlier I started studying in math but I stopped because of course studying is a sleeping pill to me and I'm totally not fond of studying but maybe I'll continue later.
What I do not like about staying at home is that a lot like seriously there's a lot of visitors who visit my mother, who is very sick right now, and of course we have to follow the rules of our aunts, we have to stop anything we are doing and go outside to entertain the visitors. I'm an anti-social girl if the society doesn't fit my age. Now I have to stop writing because my aunts are again calling me to talk and entertain those visitors. RIGHT!

I'll be your strength

This is a song for my mother.

  

I'll be your strength

This is not gonna last forever
It’s that time when you must hold on.
And I won’t let you surrender,
And I’ll heal you if you’re broken.

We can stand so tall together.
We can make it through the stormy weather.
We can go through it all together, do it all together, do it all.

I’ll be your strength.
I will, I will, I will.
I’ll be your strength.
Yes I will, yes I will.

I won’t sleep till the sky is calmer,
Keep on searching till I find you.
And my love will be your armor,
In this battlefield around you.

Hand in hand we will walk together,
We can make it through the stormy weather.
We can break down walls together, do it all together, do it all.

I’ll be your strength.
I will, I will, I will.
I’ll be your strength.
Yes I will, yes I will.

Hold on, hold on.
I’ll be, there soon.
So hold on, hold on,
I’ll be, there soon.
So hold on, hold on,
I’ll be, there soon.
So hold on, hold on,
I’ll be, there...

I’ll be your strength.
I will, I will be.
I’ll be your strength.
I’ll be, I’ll be
I’ll be your strength.
I’ll be, I’ll be
I’ll be your strength.
I’ll be, I’ll be
I’ll be your strength.
I’ll be strong for you
I’ll be your strength.
And I’ll keep strong for you.

Immersion for the first time

Our immersion helped me to grow as a better individual and it helped me to make a difference. It's in our immersion where I realized a lot of things.
First, I'm so blessed to go to school via car or any means of transportation while the children at Nueva Union have to walk for kilometers just to go to school . Now I learned to give importance to my studies, to strive hard to finish. I am inspired by the children from Nueva Union to do well in school.
Second, I realized that I have to change my attitude of wasting food, because I am so blessed to eat 3 times a day while my family there in Nueva Union and the others sometimes can't complete their meals because they have nothing to eat. So everytime I cannot finish my food, I will think of them so I could finish my food and thank God for His blessings.
Lastly, I don't have to buy expensive things just to fit in or something, and I don't have to buy things that are not so important. My conscience can't stand it anymore to spend money for nothing, for the things that I don't need, while some people especially those in Nueva Union can't complete their daily meals because of insufficient needs and money to buy food and other things that they need. But the people there in Nueva Union made me realized that expensive things and money can't give you real happiness, it's actually the people around you and the people who love you. Now I can proudly say that I grew as a better person.

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Loves Labours Lost

The story started with an implentation of an oath of fasting and no company of women for three years. This was implemented by King ferdinand with his 3 lords namely, berowne, dumain, and Longaville. At first, the Lords disagreed with the King's decision, but eventually they learned to accept it because they have no choice. It was hard for them to adjust and it became harder when the princess of france together with her 3 ladies visited Navarre (the setting) for an important business. These three young gentlemen fell in love with the 3 ladies but the oath was the hindrance of their love. lord berowne sent a letter for Rosaline, one of the princess's ladies, to tell her what he truly feels. But unfortunately the letter did not reach Rosaline, it went to Jaquenetta, a country wench.
Lord Berowne knew that the King fell in love with the Princess too.
So when lord berowne knew that the letter reached the king, delivered by jaquenetta, he had no choice but to tell everybody that the King fell in love with the princess too. Now that the four them knew what the feel, they decided to break the oath and go stalk the princess and the ladies.
But a sad news reached the princess, his father has died, and so the princess of France went home together with her ladies and left the king and the Lords. The story ended with the breaking of the oath.

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